This is a list of quotations that I have compiled for you reading pleasure. Some may be funny.


Lucy & Ricky

Lucy & Ethel

Fred & Ethel

Lucy, Ricky, Ethel & Fred

More Lucy Quotations

Lucille Ball

 Lucy: Hello Friends, I'm your Vitameatavegemin girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you poop out at party's? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle, Vitameatavegemin. Vitameatavegemin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables and minerals. Yes, with Vitameatavegemin you can spoon your way to health. All you do it take a spoonful after every meal. It's so tasty too. It's just like candy. So why don't you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegemin tomorrow. That's Vita-Meata-Vegemin.

Lucy: Well, I'm your Vitivigvegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at party's? Are you unpoopular? Well, are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little 'ol bottle, Vitameatavegemin. That's it. Vitameatavegemin contains vitamins, meat, megetables and vinerals. So why don't you join that thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitaveatyvemeanyminimoe. I'll tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoon full after every meal. It's so tasty too. It's just like candy. So everybody get a bottle of...this stuff.

Lucy: Now I know why they call them tellers. They go around blabbing everything they know.

Lucy: Ever since we said "I Do" there are so many things we donít.

Lucy: I didnít tell a soul, and they all promised to keep it a secret.

Lucy: I may not be able to understand what you say when you say it, but before you say it, I can understand what youíre going to say perfectly.

Lucy: Oh, just show her money and sheíll do anything. She is the greediest, the penny-pinchingest, the...Caroline darling, how are you, Dear?

Lucy: Heís babaíd his last lu!

Lucy: I know thereís nothing to it, but I want to know what it is thereís nothing to.

Lucy: Canít I be an American tourist whoís homesick for America and thatís why Iím blue?

Lucy: Ever since they had lunch here, theyíve been thick as thieves. Whatís so hot all of a sudden about being born in Albuquerque? I could have been born there myself if my parents didnít live in Jamestown!

Lucy: Sure, I wanted him to forget my birthday, but he forgot my birthday!

 Ricky: Look, Fred, I may speak with an accent but I donít listen with one!

Ricky: Look, all I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776.

Ricky: Honey, you canít go running around Paris all by yourself.
Lucy: Why not?
Ricky: What about your French?
Lucy: What about my French?
Ricky: Well, Paris is a big city, and not knowing the language, youíre liable to get in a lot of trouble.
Lucy: Well, when you first came to the U.S., you didnít get into a lot of trouble because you didnít know the language, did you?
Ricky: Iím married arenít I? She told me that "I Do" meant "Pleased to meet you," and then she introduced me to the preacher.

Ricky: Look Honey, Italy has enough problems already. I donít want to have to worry about you lousing up the entire grape industry.
Lucy: Oh, all I want to do is soak up a little local color, so Iíll know what Iím acting about. What could possibly happen to me?
Ricky: Well, I could answer that but weíre only going to be here ten days.

Lucy: I donít think itís very nice of you making fun of my Spanish.
Ricky: Well, youíve been making fun of my English for fifteen years.
Lucy: Thatís different. Spanish is a foreign language.
Ricky: English is a foreign language to me.
Lucy: Well, the way you speak it, it is to me too.

Lucy: Now, what would you do if the first time I met you, I insulted you, spilled stuff all over you and acted like a first class nincompoop.
Ricky: Just what I did, wait for my suit to come back from the cleaners, then marry you.

Lucy: Budget my time? You mean, like I budget my money?
Ricky: Heaven forbid!

Ricky: Whatís wrong with you?
Lucy: I gave Arthur a dancing lesson.
Ricky: Arthur? Arthur who?
Lucy: Well, believe me, it wasnít Arthur Murray.

Lucy: So I gave Arthur a dancing lesson to get Peggy off your neck.
Ricky: What are you whispering for?
Lucy: If my feet ever find out it was my idea, theyíll kill me.

Lucy: Itís your fault for getting all tangled up in my line.
Ricky: Itís my fault for getting tangled up with you fifteen years ago.

Lucy: Now honey, remember when we were married you wanted to be joined together in matrimony.
Ricky: And as I recall it was Ďtil death do us part.
Lucy: Yeah, thatís right.
Ricky: That event is about to take place right now!

Lucy: Bake?! Like I bake a cake?
Ricky: I hope not.

Ricky: There you go again; wanting something that you havenít got.
Lucy: I do not. I just want to see what it is that I havenít got that I donít want.

Ricky: How do you spell síperience?
Lucy: E-x-p
Ricky: E-x? Youíre kidding!

Ricky: If we traded placed, youíd be surprised.
Lucy: Believe me, if we trades places, YOUíD be surprised.

Lucy: If we could just think of a sneaky way to make a switch.
Ricky: Well thatís your department - youíre Vice President in charge of sneaky swishes.

Lucy: (on the phone) She didnít...she didnít...she didnít...she didnít...she couldnít!
Ricky: Maybe thatís why she didnít!

Ricky: Lucy, why do you envy those people?
Lucy: I donít envy them. I just wish I could dress like them, and live the way they do, thatís all.

Ricky: Honey, the only way to be real happy is to be satisfied with what youíve got.
Lucy: Oh, what have I go?
Ricky: Me!
Lucy: My cup runith over!
Ricky: Well! Thank you.

Lucy: Itís my mad money.
Ricky: Thereís $200 here.
Lucy: I get awfully mad.

Ricky: Lucy, let me tell you what I think about marriage.
Lucy: Donít you dare!

Lucy: Every time I spend a little money, you lose your temper.
Ricky: What do you mean I lose my temper? I never lose my temper!!
Lucy: Youíre the first person I ever saw whose veins bulge just because they have a good disposition!

Lucy: Ricky, Iíve got an idea!
Ricky: No.
Lucy: You donít even know what it is!
Ricky: Oh, yes I do. You want to go to Scotland and look up your motherís relatives.
Lucy: You think youíre so smart. That wasnít it at all, that was the farthest thing from my mind.
Ricky: All right, what was your idea?
Lucy: (pause) Well, why canít we go to Scotland?

Ricky: (laughing to himself) Angus McGillicuddy.
Lucy: Whatís so funny about Angus McGillicuddy?
Ricky: Oh nothiní, nothiní. Itís a very ordinary, everyday name. I know a hundred of Ďem.
Lucy: You should talk. Iíll bet your great-great-great-grandfatherís name was probably Enchilada Ricardo.

(Lucy wonders if Ricky has a spot for her in his new show)
Ricky: Why, sure honey. Iíve got just the place for you.
Lucy: Where?
Ricky: Out front, in the audience!

Ricky: Now Lucy, I donít care what you name the baby but weíve got to get it settled.
Lucy: Well, Iím not going to settle on just any old thing. I want the names to be unique and euphonious!
Ricky: OK. Unique if itís a boy and Euphonious if itís a girl.

 Ethel: Common sense has nothing to do with it - when I say heís wrong, heís wrong!

Ethel: If I had known THIS is what friends were for, Iíd have signed up as an enemy.

Ethel: I wish I knew if it were a girl or a boy. Then Iíd know if I were going to be a Godmother or a Godfather.

Ethel: I donít want to see Europe anyway. Itís so OLD.

Ethel: Oh, thirteen more hours in this sardine can.
Lucy: The sardines were better off, they got all that oil to wiggle around in.

Ethel: Are you sure heíll do it?
Lucy: Listen, Ethel, next to sugar, Cubaís biggest export is ham.

Ethel: What does your letter say?
Lucy: "Dear Lucy, how are you and Mickey? I couldnít find your address, so I am sending this to Ethel Mertz. If you get it, please let me know as I have made a copy of it." Well, thatís thinking. "The copy is enclosed. As a matter of fact, if you have read this far, you must have received this letter, so tear up the copy and thank Ethel for me."

Ethel: Thereís lots of things youíre good at.
Lucy: Like what?
Ethel: Well, youíre awfully good at - uh - Youíve always been great at...
Lucy: Those are the same ones Ricky came up with.

Lucy: Wait a minute, if they werenít asleep, they were awake!
Ethel: Well, thatís a monumental conclusion.

Lucy: I have a plan.
Ethel: Iím still recuperating from your last plan.

Lucy: Itís hard to believe that Fred was ever a little boy growing up on a farm.
Ethel: Itís hard to believe that Fred was ever a little boy.
Lucy: Weíll call it The Ladies Overseas Aid.
Ethel: Can we do that?
Lucy: Look, weíre ladies, we wanna go overseas, and BOY do we need aid!

Lucy: I drew in an extra hour at the bottom of the chart.
Ethel: Where did you get the extra hour?
Lucy: From the next day.
Ethel: From the next day?!
Lucy: Yeah. Itíll work out fine until the end of the year, and then Iíll be two weeks short.

Ethel: Do you go alone?
Lucy: Si, I go alone.
Ethel: Ah, ah, ah, I think you go there to meet you liver.
Lucy: Lover!

Lucy: Thereís a rotten cuban in Denmark!
Ethel: And heís got a fat friend.

Ethel: Whereís Ricky?
Lucy: He went into New York. How about Fred?
Ethel: Heís takiní a nap.
Lucy: How do you know that?
Ethel: Itís after lunch and before dinner. What else would he be doing?

 Fred: You enjoy your food so much that you eat with a lot of...
Ethel: Husto? Relish? Enthusiasm?
Fred: Well, actually, the word I was thinking of was NOISE!

Fred: Ethel, did you buy another dress?
Ethel: Yes, at Hansons. Thatís where Iíve bought all of my dresses ever since weíve been married. All 3 of them!

Fred: We can go in and see them on weekends.
Ethel: Fred, round trip tickets cost $3.08 a trip.
Fred: Like I said, they can come in and see us on weekends.

Ethel: Fred was so excited he couldnít sleep.
Fred: I can top that - Ethel was so excited she couldnít eat!

Ethel: Gee, the train, I havenít been on a train since I was a little girl.
Fred: Did they have trains then?

Fred: When I was a kid they had toy dragons.
Ethel: When you were a kid they had real dragons!

Ethel: Really, honey, were you afraid youíd loose me?
Fred: Iíll say. That outfit youíre wearing is rented.

Ethel: If I let my hair go like that youíd never let me hear the end of it.
Fred: Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that I wouldnít care if you were bald.

Fred: What do you want?
Ethel: I wanted to tell you to be sure and sandpaper that new banister you put in before some idiot runs his hand down it and picks up a splinter. Whatíd you want?
Fred: I was wondering if youíd help me get this splinter out of my hand!

 Lucy: Gee, did you hear that honey? Itís going to be called "Bitter Grapes." I wonder what part they want me for.
Fred: Oh, youíre probably going to be one of the bunch.

Lucy: That must be my dear friend Ethel. Oh, Iíll open the door, Fred.
Fred: Open it?! I was going to lock it!

Lucy: There are two things keeping me from dancing in that show.
Fred: Your feet?

Fred: Two other people wanted to buy this car.
Lucy: Where were they from the Smithsonian Institute?

Fred: Well Iíll be a monkeyís uncle!
Ricky: Never mind about your relatives!

Ricky: Weíll cook dinner for the girls. Fred, do you know anything about rice?
Fred: Yeah, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.

Ricky: Maybe she has a sixth sense.
Fred: She might. She never had any before.

Ricky: To my darliní another Marlon. Well, I guess Brando and I do have a lot in common.
Fred: Yeah, I canít understand either of you when you talk.

Ricky: I hate to admit this, but I miss Lucy.
Fred: I can top that.I miss Ethel!

Lucy: Ricky.
Ethel: Fred.
Lucy: Weíre revolting!
Ricky: No more than usual.

Ricky: And thatís an ultimatum!
Lucy: An ultimatum?!
Ethel: Well, Iím not surprised.
Lucy: I am. I didnít think he knew how to pronounce it.

Fred: Those are old Civil War handcuffs.
Ricky: Civil War?!
Ethel: Have you been saving them ever since then?

Fred: Whatís the matter with ten dollars?
Ethel: Whatís the matter with twenty dollars?
Ricky: Well, whatís the matter with thirty dollars?
Lucy: Whatís the matter with fifty dollars?
Fred: What was the matter with ten dollars?

Lucy: What is that?
Fred: Itís a dragon I bought to take home to Little Ricky. I thought it would be something different.
Ricky: Well, itís different all right.
Lucy: Well, I havenít seen anything like this before.
Fred: Really? Well, when I was a kid they had toy dragons.
Ethel: When you were a kid they had real dragons!

Fred: Now, donít make fun of us doughboys.
Ethel: Doughboys?!
Lucy: Whoever put the dough in that boy used too much yeast.

Fred: She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy: Now Ethel, say youíre sorry.
Ethel: Iím sorry your mother looks like a weasel.

 Boy: Is that red stuff for real. (pointing to Lucyís hair)
Lucy: It should be. I paid enough for it.

Caroline: You mean he speaks Spanish?
Lucy: Only when heís mad.

Vittorio Phillipe: Uh tell me Mrs. Ricardo, have you ever considered acting?
Ricky, Fred, Ethel: Has she ever considered acting?!!!!

Conductor: Madam, did you stop this train by pulling that chord?
Lucy: Well, I didnít do it by dragginí my foot.

Superman: Wait, Mr. Ricardo, do you mean to tell me that youíve been married to HER for fifteen year?!
Ricky: Yeah, fifteen years.
Superman: And they call ME Superman!

Tennessee Ernie Ford: Youíve heard of being up the creek without a paddle? We ainít even got a boat.

Betty Grable: I guess weíll just have to give up on this one.
Ethel: Youíre new around here, arenít you?
Betty Grable: Well, whatíll we do?
Ethel: I donít know, but look at that gleam in her eyes!

Horse Driver: If I were you, Iíd scratch him.
Ethel: Why? Does he itch?
Betty Grable: No, that means take him out of the race!

Bob Hope: One of the greatest gifts to mankind is laughter, and one of the greatest gifts to laughter is Lucille Ball. God has her now but thanks to television, we'll have her forever.

 Lucille Ball: Life's a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

Lucille Ball: Knowing what you can not do is more important than knowing what you can do. In fact, that's good taste.

Lucille Ball: The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball: The more you do, the more you can do... and don't you forget it!

Lucille Ball: I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I have not.

Lucille Ball: I don't know anything about luck. I've never banked on it, and I'm afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: hard work and realizing what is opportunity and what isn't.

Lucille Ball: You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Lucille Ball: A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart, but he's not very bright.

Lucille Ball: Love yourself first, and everything will fall into line.

Lucille Ball: I never thought I was funny. I don't THINK funny.

Lucille Ball: Women's lib?...It doesn't interest me one bit. I've been so liberated it hurts.

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